why I love crazy bitches {subtitled: Bachelor Recap}

i was so nervous for a new season of The Bachelor to begin...usually the hubs & I {yes, although he sometimes hates to admit it, he loves this garbage too} curl up with a big ol glass of red wine {or two or three} and watch it together, but with the way this week has gone {West Michigan got hammered with 15 inches of snow} he had to plow all night and my pregnant ass was left home alone sans big ol glass of red wine.

i was antsy for two reasons, 1. here are all these beautiful chicks parading around in fabulous sleeveless dresses while i'm growing a spare tire in 15 inches of snow and below zero windchills, and 2. i wasn't sure how i could watch The Bachelor without wine. lemon-water is a worse replacement than a bandaid on an amputation.

much to my satisfaction though, the season premier was so trashy  and so scandalous that i couldn't help but feel awesome. whoever buys groceries for that house purchased one too many fifths of the goose. i couldn't believe how wasted those girls were, hilarous!

a rundown of the action with brief commentary from yours truly: 

{photos from abc.com or google}

Holly from Kentucky wore a hat. {and just so you know Holly, Kentucky is not known for beautiful women and fast horses--but rather beautiful horses and women with poor taste in headware. Eliminated.}

Emily rapped about germs. {wicked smart AND funny, not bad}

Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy. {she couldn't think of anything better to do with that blindfold? probably why Ben eliminated her}

Lindzi rode in on a horse. {and got the first impression rose, wtf?}

Brittney brought her grandma to help schmooze him over with the "i love my family" card. {desperate}

i was so bummed to see Anna get eliminated. she played it coy and walked right past Ben during the introductions, which i thought was ballsy-doesn't every guy like the chase? oh wait, Ben just likes it easy. 

Monica {girl is crazzyyyy} and Blakeley {gooorgeouss} canoodled on the couch

   +   =their own lesbian Bachelorette spin off?

and my personal fave: Jenna had a confrontation with lesbian Monica, and cried for the rest of the night because the lesbian didn't like her. {if you want to make friends, Jenna, join Celebrity Rehab or Extreme Home Makeover}. Ben gave her the last rose {can you say pity party?}

and to think, all these ho-bags are trying to win the heart of the beloved Bachelor Ben {who in real life is probably 9 times less cute in real life, and 1000 times more sweaty...am i the only person who notices this?}

who got dumped last season by that wackjob Ashley {soooo happy that she picked JT & that they're still going strong, although i think that he would have made for a better Bachelor this season.

dreamy!

can't wait til next week to see what kind of debauchery goes down between Monica & Jenna!