sometimes i surprise myself

I am not one for waiting.

I suppose waiting and trust go together. And sometimes most times it takes a lot of me to trust.

Which makes the waiting even harder. Way harder.

Without going into too much detail, we got some unexpected results back from the doctor yesterday regarding my ultrasound on 2/29. His words were "usually, we call with any abnormal results, but we wanted to talk to you face to face because you don't need to freak out."

Abnormal? Freak out?

Turns out, S's kidney(s) are dilated. Meaning: they're bigger than they should be. They won't put a diagnosis on it until my next ultrasound. Normally, they wouldn't do another one after the 20 week anatomy scan, but they've advised me I'll need to come back at 28 weeks for a better ultrasound to check baby's kidneys and they'll go from there. They said this condition is fairly common, though I had never heard of it before. He did say everything else looked good {praise God}, but they will need to monitor us for any changes.

Of course my brain went blank and I didn't say anything except "Well, I guess I get to see her again--which will be nice."

Shut up. Hold the phone. Did those words really come out of my mouth? Who all of a sudden gave me power over my emotions to focus on the positive?

There was no freak out. No immediate tears. I just left and that was it.

My mind wandered all day, and then my mind wandered to google.

Don't google.

It's sort of like restaurant reviews. The only people who post on forums about their experiences are the ones who had the absolute best outcomes, or the absolute worst. No average joes in the center of the bell curve retell their experiences.

Well, I googled anyway because you can't tell me no.

It was then I realized I was losing control. No more google. No talking about it to anyone except family until we know more.

Whew. Calmness regained.

I want to note {if it wasn't evident already} that I don't have a lick of cool, collectedness to me. I am generally an impulsive, fly off the handle immediately, negative nancy. Just sayin.

But today I learned something. Worrying will get you no where. We could go to our next ultrasound and the problem will be completely resolved. And if not, she could be born and the problem could still go away easily without intervention. Then all that emotion and worrying will be wasted. I don't have time or energy for worrying.  I also learned that your outward actions don't need to mirror your inward emotions. My inward emotions are a nervous wreck. I don't want my little girl to hurt. To feel pain. My positive outward emotions surprised me today, it was something I didn't know I had in me. The doctor even asked if I ever had bad days, because it seemed like I was always happy. To this I responded, of course I'm happy--we're having a baby! There are people who would kill to be in my shoes, kidney issues and all. I am vowing to focus on the positive from here out, at least until we're in a position to know more.

I don't know how this happened either, but it reminds me a lot of my mom. We could be bleeding from the head, crying in hysterics, and my mom always managed to keep her cool. I never understood this when I was little, how could she be so calm? Didn't she care? Didn't she know the world was melting down?

So I'm not worrying.

We're just going to pray about it and take it easy. Stress will only make it worse {literally}.

Doesn't mean there wasn't a whole host of tears last night and this morning.

So while it seems we're stuck in the worst possible state--not knowing, not being able to plan or move ahead--we have to accept where we are. Do the best with the cards you're dealt.

 {I decided to blog about this today to share my experience, not the news we received. Since we honestly don't know any details at this time, please respect our privacy in this matter.}