Bachelor Recap III

Holy balls! Bachelor never fails to provide solid entertainment, ya know? They basically show us everything that happens on the previews...yet we loyal airheads followers continue to tune in week after week. Hubs does me one better: he sets the DVR and we go about our usual business until about 8:30. Then we sit down to watch the debauchery unfold with no commercial interruptions. Alas, the American Dream. What did we do before DVR? I can barely remember what I did before Dish, and that was only 2 years ago.

1. Let's start off with the elephant in the room: Shawntell. Girl has balls, but girl has been spending too much time in the morgue to have her head on straight. I mean come on, you go from kissing Brad to wanting to date a sloppy haired, sweaty Ben? Really? I really wish Ben would have given her a rose though, just so that Courtney girl would leave. And, I don't mind Shawntell...she's not one to get pushed around easily. Also, what's this about the girls complaining it's not fair to bring her back?  Nothing is fair hunny; life, love, war, nothing. You get what you deserve {work for} and that's about it.

2. I'm not surprised or sad about Brittney leaving. Ben even said it was a pity date, so there it's done. Wish more of these hoes would jump ship and let us cut to the good stuff....you know, the island dates where Bachelor Ben tries to bed all the girls by giving them keys to his suite. Juicy!

3. I know Kacie B is leaving next week. Just a gut feeling. My new #1 is Emily. Those faces she made at Courtney during the cocktail party were hilarious. She also seems the most normal. Like we could be friends in real life. I used to like Nicki too, but after all those tears last night, I'm not too sure. Lindzi's face/makeup bothers me, and her date was less than thrilling {who wants to be a "backup" date?}. That speakeasy was sweet though.

4. So glad Jaclyn & Erica are out. Jaclyn is weird looking and Erika is crazy. How can she make it through a lip tattoo twice, but not be able to stand through a rose ceremony? Then she acted like nothing happened when he left her in the lobby. Strange.  Now we just need to get that little girl, {what's her name, Samantha?} off.

5. Where's the Monica-action? Girl came out like a lion and now she's keeping a low profile. My bet is she's the one who hooks up with one of the producers and gets asked to leave. Either her or Blakeley.

6. Somebody should set Jennifer's suitcase on fire. I don't know if my eyeballs can handle another pink-red outfit. Not with that hair.

7. Papi had to rewind the DVR twice during Elyse's "WHO IS SHE?!" He was dying. He thinks she is a man. He also doesn't like Rachel {which I don't understand} and Jaime {duh}. Who wears a prom dress to opening night, and rhinestones to the cocktail parties? Shoulda dropped the extra couple hundos for something other than your old arsenal of homecoming dresses girlfraann.

That's all I have for you darlings. See you in Utah!

Blakeley is fake-ley...and the majority of the other girls are just plain fugly. {subtitled: Bachelor Recap}

That title pretty much sums it all up right there.

However, if I left it at the title, this post would suck. Thing is, I really don't have much to say about this episode besides the following:

1. Courtney is a great actress fake, but I'm not sure how she got to become a model with that lip and those weird legs. They're not even that skinny. Kacie B has much better gams.

2. I may or may not have a small girl crush on Kacie B. Sure, the batton thing was gay, but she is adorable and genuine as they come. "Blakeley is toxic."

3. Whoever that other girl (no, not Jenna) that was eliminated is needs to get her hair fixed quick. Hunny, that two-toned skunk look is no longer "in". Somebody get her a Von-Dutch trucker hat and cover that shit up.

4. I don't even want to go there about Jenna or Blakeley.

What's really more interesting is what husband said {out loud} during the show last night. I was dying, he really got into it! And since it's much more interesting than myself giving you a play-by-play when you saw the damage unfold with your own eyes....I give you Ross's version of the Bachelor Recap in an array of my favorite quotes from him last night:

"I should go on this show and counsel all the losers and tell them what they did wrong." What, why?  "I think I could help them. They are all so insecure."

"Wait, how OLD is that girl and she's not married?" {talking about Blakeley, 34} "No wonder."

"Holy tits." {Blakeley} "Not in front of the kids!"

"Everybody on this show is old and ugly. And they all wear so much makeup it looks bad with those lights."

{Looking at the alarm clock when Ben went to drag Jenna out of bed} "No wonder she's in bed, it's 2 am and they've been boozing since noon!"

{talking about Courtney} "How is SHE a model? Yikes! And what is wrong with her lips?"

"He should totally pick her. She's a good girl. I would pick her." {see, hubs and I even share the same taste with women...talking about Kacie B}.

"I don't like her. Or her. I like her, that girl in blue. That's a nice dress." {talking about Brittany....what the! Ross?!}

"Who do you think feeds them when they're not on dates? Like, do they have to buy groceries themselves? How does the house get food, and who makes it for them?"

"Is that the lesbian? Why is she on a show about finding a husband?"

Isn't he just darling? What a good guy...all snuggled up with his wifey on the couch in front of the fire. Who needs girl friends? {ok, that's stretching it} But, he brings me water, and popcorn, and ice cream...and doesn't bat an eyelash when I spend two hours glued to the boob tube on Mondays. Love him!

why I love crazy bitches {subtitled: Bachelor Recap}

i was so nervous for a new season of The Bachelor to begin...usually the hubs & I {yes, although he sometimes hates to admit it, he loves this garbage too} curl up with a big ol glass of red wine {or two or three} and watch it together, but with the way this week has gone {West Michigan got hammered with 15 inches of snow} he had to plow all night and my pregnant ass was left home alone sans big ol glass of red wine.

i was antsy for two reasons, 1. here are all these beautiful chicks parading around in fabulous sleeveless dresses while i'm growing a spare tire in 15 inches of snow and below zero windchills, and 2. i wasn't sure how i could watch The Bachelor without wine. lemon-water is a worse replacement than a bandaid on an amputation.

much to my satisfaction though, the season premier was so trashy  and so scandalous that i couldn't help but feel awesome. whoever buys groceries for that house purchased one too many fifths of the goose. i couldn't believe how wasted those girls were, hilarous!

a rundown of the action with brief commentary from yours truly: 

{photos from abc.com or google}

Holly from Kentucky wore a hat. {and just so you know Holly, Kentucky is not known for beautiful women and fast horses--but rather beautiful horses and women with poor taste in headware. Eliminated.}

Emily rapped about germs. {wicked smart AND funny, not bad}

Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy. {she couldn't think of anything better to do with that blindfold? probably why Ben eliminated her}

Lindzi rode in on a horse. {and got the first impression rose, wtf?}

Brittney brought her grandma to help schmooze him over with the "i love my family" card. {desperate}

i was so bummed to see Anna get eliminated. she played it coy and walked right past Ben during the introductions, which i thought was ballsy-doesn't every guy like the chase? oh wait, Ben just likes it easy. 

Monica {girl is crazzyyyy} and Blakeley {gooorgeouss} canoodled on the couch

   +   =their own lesbian Bachelorette spin off?

and my personal fave: Jenna had a confrontation with lesbian Monica, and cried for the rest of the night because the lesbian didn't like her. {if you want to make friends, Jenna, join Celebrity Rehab or Extreme Home Makeover}. Ben gave her the last rose {can you say pity party?}

and to think, all these ho-bags are trying to win the heart of the beloved Bachelor Ben {who in real life is probably 9 times less cute in real life, and 1000 times more sweaty...am i the only person who notices this?}

who got dumped last season by that wackjob Ashley {soooo happy that she picked JT & that they're still going strong, although i think that he would have made for a better Bachelor this season.

dreamy!

can't wait til next week to see what kind of debauchery goes down between Monica & Jenna!